I suspect we weren’t the only family that didn’t talk about sex when we were growing up. For whatever reason it was just too taboo and uncomfortable a subject to bring up in our home so it was ignored, like it didn’t exist in the world. But it did exist, and what’s more it was being displayed and referenced all around me at school, on tv, in magazines/advertisements, and in my neighborhood. Not talking about it with a parent just redirected my questions elsewhere. When I became a parent, I knew I wanted this area to be different with my own children. I didn’t know how I was going to do this, but I took it one step at a time and learned as I went along. Just being open was the key. So, even if you didn’t grow up talking about sex in your home, there are ways you can learn to go about it. You don’t have to be afraid to “go there” because there is lots of information out there that can help you navigate these kinds of conversations, making it feel less scary or intimidating.
Like I said, most of what I first learned about sex and my changing body came from others, like my neighbors in our inner-city neighborhood, and from conversations kids were having at school. The information I learned from other people was often questionable at best and skewed with the unhealthy perceptions of those giving it. I wanted my kids to get the information from me and my husband so I would know that what they were learning was accurate, healthy, and in line with how I’m already trying to teach them to view and understand the world. I knew embarrassment, nervousness, and fear about the topic weren’t good enough reasons to stop me. So here are a few things I have learned in my 17 years of parenting that can help you start the conversation with your kids, and keep it going as long as you need to.
#1 Talk about the body and it’s parts without shame, from an early age: The first part of talking with your kids about sex actually begins much earlier than their pre-teen and teenage years. We can set the stage for those later, important conversations about sex by openly talking with our kids about their body parts when they are young. This creates a safe environment for them, in turn, to talk to us about what is happening in their little bodies and the questions that are forming in their curious and observant minds as they grow.
I began learning this with my son, whom I affectionately consider my guinea-pig-child, which simply describes that first-born child where your ideas, expectations, and ignorance about parenting intersect with the reality of parenting. I was realizing that sometimes your parenting comes from what you’ve experienced, some from what you’ve planned, and some ( or most) you just wing on the spot. Most of the time I was feeling unprepared and I realized I was going to have to be much more intentional about the kind of parent I wanted to be. I remember a situation as I was showering one day with my then two year old son. He looked up from playing with his toys and asked me where my penis was and if it had broken off! I was taken aback and didn’t know what to say, but I remembered my commitment to not shy away from these conversations. I swallowed my embarrassment and answered, “No, I don’t have one, I am a girl and I have a vagina. Girls are created differently than boys. We have different parts.” Gulp. “Oh”, he said, his curiosity satisfied. And the day went on as normal. Obviously there comes a day when you stop showering with your very young children, but his awareness and observations of the world around him had begun and would continue and I wanted to be prepared. This was just the beginning of many more conversations that my husband and I would have with our son about bodies, anatomical functions, sexual vocabulary including all terms (formal, crude, and slang) and healthy concepts of sex.
Not all these conversations came easy for me, and all my knowledge, opinions, and information didn’t pour out at once. It was gradual, and over time the discussions became more natural, and dare I say comfortable. If you don’t know how to begin, here is an example of an early conversation with a young child. These kinds of exchanges help pave the way for bigger conversations later on. This instance is a typical age and content appropriate “learning conversation” that could take place with your child: You might say while you are bathing them, “Mommy is going to wash your private area now with the wash cloth because if we don’t keep our private parts clean, they can get itchy and that feels bad. It’s important to keep our bodies clean.” The child might answer, “Why are they called private parts?” To which you can say, “Your private parts actually include your penis/vagina, your anus which is where you poop from, and your urethra which is the small hole your pee comes out of. Your mouth is a private part, as well as the breasts on a girl. We call them private because those are parts that are unique from your other body parts. They are the parts that people don’t touch without permission from mommy and daddy and eventually you when you are older. We don’t show other people those parts and they shouldn’t show us theirs, except your mouth, people can see your mouth (smiling).” Possibly interject here the caveat that mommy, daddy, the doctor, and the trusted caregiver can help with those parts when needed.
I believe it’s fine to call the parts yaya, coochie, peepee, wawa, hoohaa, whatever you want in between these conversations, but make sure your kids know the proper terms. Why are the proper terms important? Because if there is ever an occasion when a Dr. needs to talk to them about those parts, or vice versa, the correct terms are what will be used, for reasons of clarity and understanding. No proper term regarding their bodies should invoke a sense of embarrassment or shame; and your children will look to you and how you act with these words. I suggest that even if you are dying inside of awkward embarrassment during some of these initial conversations where parts are spoken of formally, do your best to “fake it till you make it” because these are the important conversations that lay the initial ground work for your kids to know they can comfortably talk with you about their bodies. I guarantee this will open the door for LOTS more little conversations they will want to have with you about their growing bodies. Their natural curiosity mixed with your confident, relaxed demeanor are the perfect ingredients to create wonderful teaching opportunities. And the best part is, they are coming to you!
#2 Don’t read too much into their questions: This is important for two reasons: First, because nothing shuts down a conversation with your teen faster than jumping to conclusions and accusations. Just hear them out, listen to their questions, and answer them as openly and calmly as possible. Again, you might be inwardly uncomfortable, but on the outside it helps to appear calm and confident. When your teen asks you questions it does not mean that they are thinking of doing these things… ok, maybe they are thinking about it (which is natural at that age), but that doesn’t mean they are doing it or are going to do it. You have to put that fear aside as well as the fear that these informational conversations are somehow arming or authorizing them to have sex. If they do, that is another conversation, and doesn’t negate the fact that educational conversations need to happen. The important thing to remember in this situation is that they are coming to you, which means you have the privilege of helping them create the framework in their developing minds for which they will process and think about these things. You can talk to them about the mechanisms of oral sex while also teaching them about respect for their bodies and for the bodies of others, as well as the emotional, spiritual, and mental effects of sexual behavior if you are so inclined to do so. Try not to be preachy and try not to go on and on for too long.
Second: If you read too deeply into a question then sometimes you can over answer, which can be exasperating for your kid/teen. Try asking a few clarifying questions like, “Why is it you are asking?” in a non-accusatory voice, or “Could you tell me a little bit more about what you would like to know?”, and even “What have you already heard about this subject/term?” These qualifying questions can be so helpful in preparing how you will form your own answer and how much you need to say. Sometimes they really just want to know if girls have pubic hair like boys do, because they’ve never seen a grown up vagina and the innocent question just popped into their head. They don’t need a three point expository lecture on the differences between puberty in boys and girls. Just a yes or no will do just fine if your clarifying questions have produced an answer from them like, ” I was just wondering”. It also might help a little to mentally practice your answers to some of the anticipated questions your kids might ask, so you are not caught off guard and are ready to give an age and developmentally appropriate answer.
Example Conversation with a pre-teen/teen [Can be tweaked and modified from kid to kid, age to age, but this is pretty much how it goes down in my house. Remember, if they don’t get an answer from you, they will most likely just ask someone else]: Kid: “Mom, what is a blow-job?” Mom: “I am happy to answer you but first could you tell me where you heard that term?” Kid: “I heard it at school. A boy said that his older brother said that this girl gave him a blow job.” Mom: “Is that all he said?” Kid: “Yes.” Mom: “A blow job is a sexual act performed on a male. When his penis is erect, it is put in someone’s mouth and sucked on until it is stimulated enough that it ejaculates.” Kid: “So it’s sucking and not blowing?” ( Yes, you can laugh out loud at this point. It’s funny and laughter can keep the conversation light) Mom: “I know right, that can be confusing. Yes, it’s sucking and not blowing. It’s a very intimate act and I believe should only be experienced by people in a loving, committed relationship. Our family believes that to be marriage. It feels great even though it might sound gross, but sex and sexually intimate acts can help keep couples feeling close together, and thankfully God gave us lots of fun options to keep having fun together when we are married. It’s also important to mention that because semen comes out during and at the end of a blow job, it’s an example of a sex act that can transfer an STD (explain if necessary). That’s why it’s important to respect your body, what you put into it and what others put into it, and vice versa. Does that answer your question?” Kid: “Yes. (long pause) People do that?” Mom, slightly smiling: “Yessiree. Lots of people do that.”
#3 Be the kind of parent you needed when you were their age: When you haven’t experienced something yourself, sometimes you only have a vague idea of what you hope to create that is different and healthier for your kids. I suppose that even if your parents did talk to you about sex, they might not have ever taken the time when you got older to tell you how they did it. You probably remember experiencing the conversations, but maybe you still don’t know how they determined what to tell you and when. What they were actually feeling inside when some of those awkward questions came; and more, how they pushed through so you could have the important information you needed, constructed within a healthy mindset and context. The point is, there are two parts to this, teaching your kids they can come to you, and when they are older (if they appreciated your technique), teach them how you did it so they can repeat it with their kids.
None of this came natural to me, except the desire to be the kind of adult I wished I could have had in my life to have these conversations. Not just for informational purposes, but for the emotional support all kids need as they try to navigate the teen years when their bodies are changing, their hormones are raging, and their sexual concepts are forming. Read books, read blogs (shameless plug!), talk to parents with older kids, and most importantly, determine within yourself that this is too important an opportunity to miss. You have the great privilege to teach and explain a part of life that will affect your children for the rest of theirs. And I think it’s important to mention, that even if your life didn’t start with healthy sexual boundaries or information, it is neither hypocritical nor hopeless to try to do things differently with your own children. Some of us teach from experience, some of us teach from ideals, and some can teach from acquired wisdom. Wherever you are starting from, just know that over time these conversation become easier, and when your kids choose to come to you for information or advice, it is so satisfying and comforting to know you have that place in their lives.
Proverbs 22:6- Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
Confessions of a Naked J-Bird 