It’s been a while since I shared one of my miracle stories. This one has been on my mind lately. It’s a long one, and pretty personal. It’s messy and I’m not proud of how I handled myself through most of it, but this isn’t about me. It’s about what God has done for me, despite who I am. Since I’ve seen God move many mountains in my life, again and again, I’ll keep sharing, because I know you have mountains too. These events took place in our family between 2003 and 2010, pre Stella and Nora (our girls are another miracle story for another time). What a mixed bag of years these were for us! We bought our first home, had our first child, bought a business, struggled through four consecutive second trimester miscarriages, followed by two more at 10 weeks, lost the business, filed personal and business bankruptcy, and left our home church of 15 years. The highs were high and the lows were low.

Buying our first home was one of the highs. Houses were flying off the market at record speed in 2003. We would go to an open house and there would be three or more offers, well over asking price, before we even stepped foot in the door. I didn’t think we’d ever find something in our budget. We branched out further and further from Middleboro, trying to find a price range we could afford in another town. This led us to look in Fairhaven MA, about 35 minutes away. One night, there was a new on-line listing that came up. As we clicked through the pictures, we immediately fell in love with this sweet home and property, with it’s charming interior and spacious yard, it just felt right. “It’s probably already sold and gone,” I said, not willing to get excited. We had been in this situation many times only to find out we had been outbid or our offer rejected. There was no time to waste. Ray went and looked at the house the very next day while I was at work. He told them he wanted to put down a deposit. They didn’t want to accept it because I wasn’t there to see the home with him. “Trust me, she want’s this house,” he assured them. They accepted our offer. The whole time, our prayer while we searched for the “right” home was that God would open the doors if it was a good decision, and close the doors if it wasn’t. He closed a lot of doors. We prayed that whatever home that was, that it would be a good investment for us, something that would help us build towards a solid future for our growing family. I even prayed that when it came time to sell our home later on down the road, that we would make a profit and invest it wisely into our next venture. The door to this house seemed to fling wide open and everything fell easily into place.

Ray and I both felt like this was the perfect house for us. We were right in town but had several acres of land to our property which gave our home a spacious, country feel. It felt like we had the best of both worlds. We hadn’t been in our home long when a conversation came up with our next door neighbors about the possibility of selling some of our land out back to the elderly housing community that abutted our property. It was owned by the town and when we approached the management to ask if they were interested in buying some of our land for the future expansion of elderly housing, they said they didn’t have any money in the budget for that and we should consider donating it. I remember that news being such a bummer because it seemed like an obvious win/win deal and I had expected them to jump on it. For the town, we offered them a fair price, and we were the only adjacent property with land to sell them for an increasing elderly population that needed housing. For us, the money would have helped pay off some newly acquired debt. When the town said no, we then worked with an engineering firm to develop a cul-de-sac on the land, hoping to sell off the lots and make some money that way. We dumped about 40k into the plans only to find out that the town wouldn’t let us connect into the sewer pipes. Another dead end, a lot of wasted money.

As I previously mentioned, shortly after we bought our home, we bought a business (the newly acquired debt mentioned above). I was about 26 years old and Ray was about 29 at this time. I think Ray felt on top of the world at this age; young and full of ambition, he was willing to take risks. He has always been one to assume things will work out for the best. I always kid him that I am going to put, “It will all work out” on his gravestone. I wouldn’t say I’m a pessimist, but I usually walk through everything that can go wrong first, then make a plan based on best possible outcome with lowest possible risk, and then I make a decision. I’m calculated. Our union resembles what it would look like if Lightning McQueen married Mrs. Beaver from Narnia. Suffice it to say I wasn’t on board with buying the business, but Ray was moving full speed ahead so I tried to keep up. We bought our home at the peak of the real estate market boom, when housing prices were already grossly overinflated. In order to buy the business, we borrowed another 75k against our home with a second mortgage (inflating our mortgage even more). From another business partner we borrowed 75k, and on top of all that, borrowed another large sum to pay for the rest. All the unsecured loans made me very nervous, and as I did the bookkeeping for the business, I was forever worrying about having enough money to pay our loans on time each month. Half of me was happy that Ray had followed his dreams but the other half wished we could have gotten there on a path that was more stable, even if it had meant taking more time. On paper, things were going well and the numbers were working out, but it all relied on things going perfectly every month. Money was coming in and we were paying our loans on time, but there were other problems rising to the surface, at home and in the housing market.

After a while, I started building up frustration about the lack of communication between Ray and I. He was independently making really big decisions that affected all of us. From buying the business in the first place, to the ways we financed it, how it would run, and what my new role would be at our company. I never seemed to have a say in any of it. I was told I was to be accounts payable and receivable, payroll, licensing, compliance, and the “catch all” for all other minutia. I had no experience in our company’s field of business, like none, at all. And now, the success of our company relied on me figuring it out and getting it right. Simultaneously, our son had just turned two, and he was a high energy, rambunctious little boy. I had to bring him to work with me three days a week. After lunch, I remember I would pull two office chairs together, put Barber’s Adagio for Strings on repeat, and pray that he would take his nap so I could get some work done. It was as much of a challenge as it sounds like it would be. My stress level was through the roof. One day, Ray drove in the driveway on a new motorcycle we hadn’t discussed him purchasing. He smirked and said it was easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. I got angry but I was really hurt. It seemed like I was just a silent partner in our marriage and our business. I told myself it wasn’t fair for him to be so impulsive while I was counting every penny, worrying about every loan.

As the days and months went on I wasn’t so silent anymore. He started coming home later and later, his food often waiting for him, cold on the table, Brady already in bed. I felt like a single parent and I resented him for it. Then, the housing market crashed and my worst fears came front and center. I’ll sum it up by saying that business in the mortgage industry drastically changed, as well as our ability to generate income from it. All I could think was, “I told you so! If you had just listened to me, we wouldn’t be in this mess.” We kept things going as long as we could, but the writing was on the wall. We filed for bankruptcy, both business and personal since everything was wrapped up together. One of our debtors forgave our debt which was such a blessing but we were still drowning in loans. I was so disheartened when the bank came and repossessed my car. I watched from the window and hoped our neighbors weren’t home to see. We had stopped paying our mortgage to try to continue paying our business loans, so it was only a matter of time before the bank foreclosed on our home. Everything was a mess, including my heart. One day Ray came home and I had had it. We put a movie on for Brady and went in the back yard to have it out. I screamed at him all the pain I had been holding in. I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting. “You lost the business, we’re loosing our home, I lost my car, you don’t take time for your family, we barely see you, and all of this could have been avoided if you had just listened! You have failed at EVERYTHING! This isn’t a marriage, it’s you doing what you want and me following behind picking up all the pieces!” I watched as my words hit their mark. He was definitely hurting, but if I was being honest, he already had been. This had been hard on him too, but his feelings were the last thing I cared about at that time. I left him sitting in the back yard. I didn’t feel better. We would probably lose our marriage too. Just more collateral damage from this stupid mess.

That’s the thing about bitterness and anger; we can convince ourselves how justified we are to feel it, release it, but in the end it builds nothing, fixes nothing. It only destroys what’s already hurting, making it harder to salvage what’s left. I’ve come to believe that for every negative, destructive emotion, there is a similar yet constructive emotion. You have to choose which to feed your brain. For instance, I can choose fear, or I can choose hope (both are based in anticipating the unknown). I can choose to assume the worst in someone, or I can choose to assume the best in someone (both are assumptions based on guessing the internal motives of another). I’m not always good at finding that alternative constructive emotion, especially when hard things haven’t been properly dealt with and I don’t feel heard or validated. It’s complicated, that I know. I also know that somewhere along the line I stopped controlling my thoughts, I stopped filtering my feelings. My perceived reality became my truth. My feelings, my thoughts, my assumptions, my fears, led me around like a dog on a leash. We knew some things needed to change. We talked. Even though Ray’s intentions hadn’t been malicious, he knew he hadn’t gone about things the right way. He acknowledged that he needed to work on including me in conversations and decisions, and get council and wisdom from others before taking a big leap. He would focus on spending more time at home. I needed to stop pointing fingers, release my fears to God and accept where we were while maintaining hope that we could keep moving forward, together. We were both praying for God’s help and direction. I’m not sure what I expected God to do since I felt like our own decisions had gotten us to where we were, and honestly, that we deserved whatever difficulty came our way. I guess I was hoping for mercy and grace. I know for sure I didn’t expect what happened next.

We hobbled along for the next few weeks, trying to make housing plans when we really couldn’t afford much of anything. I told Ray I could make anything a home, even if it wasn’t our own house. We told ourselves it would be a tough season but it wouldn’t last forever. Ray called me from the office and told me it was time to officially call the bank to let go of the house. He was going to call them the next day. We had lived in our sweet home for 7 years. We had fixed up each and every room, one at a time, making it our own. I loved our home. We hung up the phone and I cried. The next day the phone rang and it was Ray at the office. “I called the bank and they said we have to be out in a week so they can get the house on the market. You have to start packing right away but I won’t be able to help since I’m working every day. Oh, and we don’t have any money for rent so we will have to live in boxes in the alley beside my office until I can find a place for us to go. How are you at cooking food over a burning metal barrel?” This is what I was expecting him to say. Instead, I heard genuine astonishment in his voice. “You’re never going to believe this.” He said he had just received a call from the town. They had put in for a grant with the state of Massachusetts and it had been granted to them. They were willing to purchase our land if we were still willing to sell. It had been about six and a half years since we had presented our offer to the town, about 2,370 days. Their call came the very day (probably the very hour) we’d been planning to call the bank to begin foreclosure. Coincidence? I think not.

The next few months were a much welcome reprieve. The fog was lifting and we could finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and it wasn’t another train coming at us. That day on the phone with Ray, I had asked, “How much do they want to buy the land for? Holy Cow! That’s enough to pay off the second mortgage, and pay up on our missed mortgage payments. We might even have a little left over to get back on our feet.” Turns out it was exactly enough. Also turns out that money problems make you fight more and positive cash flow fosters pleasantness. It didn’t fix every problem but we rode the positivity train as far as it would take us. It took a few months to close with the town and in the meantime, we made some plans. Even though we loved our home, it was a long driving distance from everything else in our lives. Most everything we did took place in or near Middleboro. Once the land was sold and we were right on our mortgage, we were finally able to sell and move. It was a good move for us. Only 8 minutes from Ray’s office, we would see him much more often now. Closer to family, friends, church, Brady’s school, our schedules of life began to flow a bit easier. We had turned a page.

Of course, I have to share what I learned from this. Soren Kierkegaard said, “Life can only be understood backwards; But it must be lived forwards.” Here are a few things I came to understand when looking back.#1 God doesn’t just help those who help themselves. God helps those who CAN’T help themselves. He helps us in spite of ourselves. Because he loves us. It’s not based on performance. It’s just who he is.

#2 As I mentioned, many bad things happened to us during this time. Some were the consequences of our own choices and actions, but others, like our miscarriages, weren’t. Even though I didn’t understand it, and I fought it out with God, I surrendered to the place that I would choose to have faith that God was good, that he loves us, and that I could trust him, even through pain that didn’t make sense to me. God’s ways are not our ways, and his plans are not our plans, but I am his child and my life is in his hands. Bad things, good things, both happen to those who deserve it and to those who don’t. The Bible says, “It rains on the just and the unjust.” The difference is, with God, I have hope that he is still working things for the good while I put my trust in him. Not so he can give me my way, but so he can have his.

#3 When I first heard that the town was going to buy our land, I went to bed that night thinking how grateful I was that God had rescued me. That he had come through for me once again and that somehow it was because I was innocent of the guilt in our financial mess. I was stunned when he pushed the thought into my head that it wasn’t just for me. He was Ray’s father too. This miracle was just as much for Ray as it was for me. God never stopped rooting for Ray. He wanted to see him succeed. Things I wanted to fix in Ray, God was honing. Where I saw Ray’s actions and how they played out in our lives, God always saw his heart. He sees the greatness in each of us because he put it there. Each step of the way, even when we go off-roading, if we are willing to call out to God for help, he promises to come find us where we are, how we are, and walk with us. I have found this to be true. Every. Single. Time.

#4 God disciplines those he loves. As much as we benefited from God’s blessings, we also experienced his discipline. And it was a good thing because it brought about growth and positive changes in us both. We are both much more fiscally responsible people. We are cautious and conservative about any debt we take on. We traded in the motorcycle for a Quad that we all enjoyed. Most nights, we are all at the table for dinner, my favorite part of the day. Ray always seeks out wise council from experienced people before making any big decisions. He gives really good advice too; experience will do that for you, if you’re willing to learn from it. One thing I have always admired about my husband is his willing heart to be molded by God. If there is a better version of himself out there, he is open to becoming it. I found a councilor to help me stop blaming and pointing fingers about what had happened, and appreciate the second chance we were given. I had to come to terms that it wasn’t fair to put all the blame on Ray. He never could have known what was about to happen in the housing market. I worked on giving my fears to God before I let them crush me. I encouraged Ray to follow his dreams and supported him in a few different ventures he has explored on the side. I appreciate his business mind, hard work, and dedication to excellence.

#5 In the spirit of honesty, which I am committed to when I write these life stories, I will say that our marriage is not perfect. We have never had an easy go of it, we are very different people, but we simultaneously have a fierce love for each other. When love isn’t enough, our faith becomes our common ground and we lean in hard on Jesus to help us through. It takes a lot of surrendering our own will to God and he has consequently been the glue that holds our family together. We are coming up on 19 years married, 29 years together. This, in itself, is a miracle, and one I am so very grateful for.

Psalm 91:14-15 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.”

Philippians 4:13″I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”