3 Tips On How To Protect Your Children From Sexual Predators And Empower Them To Help Protect Themselves.

It was mid-afternoon and the school nurse was conducting the scoliosis checks behind the white screen that had been set up in the class. A girl who was my friend stood in the line that ran down the side of the classroom wall with her arms crossed, visibly upset. When it was her turn, the whole class heard her from behind the curtain. She was refusing to lift her shirt and bend over for the nurse. She was loud, obstinate, and defiant; she wouldn’t cooperate. Her fight or flight had been triggered and she was not backing down. “No! ” she said. “You can’t make me! Don’t touch me! I won’t do it and you can’t make me!” she argued. The class sat there listening, shocked by her brazen opposition to authority, but something inside me knew what was wrong because I had seen it before. I wanted to get up and tell the nurse to stop, to just leave her alone because this wasn’t about her spine, it was about her heart. Someone had hurt her and she had put up boundaries because of the pain, distrust, and shame in her heart. Later, on the playground, I gently asked her about it and she warily opened up. She said her mother’s boyfriend used to come into her room at night and abuse her and now she couldn’t stand anyone touching her. Although he was no longer living in their house, I encouraged her to talk to a grownup about it because I knew her pain wasn’t over simply because he was gone.

I don’t have a doctorate or a degree in this, but I do have experience. In fact, when I look back at my childhood and recall all the sexual predators that were around, I’m still nauseated by the sheer number of men with child predatory histories and behaviors. I wasn’t targeted by all, but I saw their ways, their techniques, and it was all very similar. Also, I know it’s not always men, but they were the main offenders I witnessed but what I’m writing pertains to all predators. Most of my friends had been abused or had a sibling who had, and I saw patterns and similarities in the stories that I continued to hear through the years that made me think hard about the preventative measures I would put in place for my own children. I didn’t want to live my life making decisions out of fear, but I did want to be smart and diligent with the information I did know. So here are a few things I have learned to help, and I say help because nothing is a guarantee, to keep my kids protected as they grow.

1) Make sure you REALLY know who you are leaving your kids with:

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen parents leave their vulnerable children with people they didn’t really know because they were in a pinch for childcare, or were assuming that the so-and-so’s were a nice family. They care about their kids, but they aren’t aware or considering the high risks each child faces with being abused by someone they know and thought they could trust. So we need to really be familiar with the people with whom we leave our children. Let me explain what I mean by “really knowing” someone. Knowing someone is not about proximity, recognizing, hearing of, or even seeing often. Let’s say you have a neighbor. You exchange pleasantries, she’s sweet to your kids, and every so often they play in her yard; but this doesn’t mean you really know her, at least not the things you need to know. You need to have a real feel for what goes on in her house, with who is in her house, behind closed doors. You need to be completely certain of the character and integrity of anyone who will be around your child in a house, or at least know that the main person watching your kids will be just as aware, diligent, and concerned with your child’s safety and whereabouts as you would be while you are away. That might make for a short list of babysitters or houses your kids can go over to play or sleepover, but in this case, there is too much on the line to be negligent in this area. This goes especially for very young children that you can’t yet inform about warning signs or boundaries (more on that later). You need to know people in a way that comes from witnessing them over a good period of time and really learn and observe how they interact with your kids before you can trust them enough to leave your kids with them.

Here are some things to look for. Watch how much they touch your kids. Are there lots of hugs, cuddles, nuzzles, or whispers unsolicited by the child? Watch where they touch your kids. Is there frequent tickling, hair touching, or restraing/wrestling disguised as play? Pay attention to where they go with your kids. Do they often suggest moving away to private rooms or areas with your child to “show them” something new or “give them” something special? Watch how much time they want to be with your child. Do they constantly volunteer to babysit or take your child out for special time? Watch what they say to your kids. Do they love telling secrets or maybe undermining mom’s rules with a “better idea”. These are just some of the behaviors predators will use to groom your kids, especially in front of the parent, all the while conditioning your child to believe that this is safe and normal because mom/dad is cool with it. Do these things always point to an intention to abuse? No, but they are often part of the warning signs easily overlooked when a child is being groomed for abuse. Look for these signs especially in babysitters, coaches, neighbors, family members, family friends, church members, but know they aren’t limited to this list. And trust your gut, if you just get that feeling that someone or something is off, trust your intuition!

2) Establish healthy boundaries for your kids, and make sure others know them and respect them:

Anyone who watches my kids knows my rules. I have them for my kids’ safety and protection and I don’t bend them for anyone. For instance, I don’t make my kids give kisses, hugs, sit on laps, anything physical unless they feel comfortable doing so. My kids are taught to be polite, loving, and respectful but physical interactions are not forced because we should all have autonomy in this area, even little ones. This helps enforce the idea of feeling personally comfortable with the types of touch and affection we give and receive and that it’s ok to say no.

Another boundary I have is privacy. My children and caretakers know there are areas of privacy we uphold in our home such as bathrooms, showers, sleeping spaces, and personal areas of the body. Very few caretakers can help my young children in those areas. This minimizes the risk opportunity for my children. My children hear me tell people our rules out loud and I check in with them later. I have talked to my children from a young age about the importance of privacy and boundaries. Thankfully they are old enough now to know that something is off if anyone tries to contradict that, but they won’t be old enough for some time to fully understand the purpose behind the rules and see the wisdom in following them themselves. Which is a nice segue to my last point about boundaries.

Young children should never be expected to uphold boundaries all on their own. We can inform and educate them but in a real-time experience, very few children can hold up against the manipulations of an adult, or even thier natural curiosities with another youth or child who may have malintentions. They just don’t have the maturity to navigate that yet. As my son once told me when he was 6 or 7 years old, “Mom, I know you have rules for me, but when I’m at someone else’s house, it’s just easier to follow their rules.” Point taken. Children don’t always know what’s good for them, even if they’ve been told. Here’s a for instance about a boundary for my young girls that they push back on every time: When they have friends over (sleepovers are rare in our home), they know that every child will have their own sleeping space. This means no bed sharing because beds are a “privacy space”. But that still doesn’t stop them from asking if they can all pile into the same bed to sleep every time. Although I don’t consider natural curiosity of children to be predatory behavior, it is something to be watched and guarded because you never know what experiences another child has had, possibly from a predator, that they may try to recreate with your child in the darkness, under covers, during a sleepover. I wouldn’t have thought of this myself if I hadn’t heard so many sleepover nightmare stories over the years. Children may understand stranger danger, but they don’t expect danger to come from a friend, so it’s important to make boundaries and stick to them. This allows everyone to still have fun, but with a buffer from the real dangers that are out there.

3) When protecting your child, you have to think like your child:

The last tip I want to give is only that, a tip, not a shield, not a promise of protection, just a tip. But I have seen it work for my own kids and I think there’s something to it worth sharing. I have modified what I tell my kids about predators and boundaries as they age, but when they are young I tell them the same thing. I say, “…these are the boundaries, this is what is appropriate and what’s not appropriate, and if anyone asks you to do what mommy and daddy says you should or shouldn’t do, come and tell me right away and I will give you a prize. Even if they ask you not to tell us, if you tell me, you won’t get in trouble EVER, but you will get a nice prize. But NO lieing, if you lie, you will get in trouble.” This dialogue doesn’t excuse me from my duties as a parent of being vigilant and watchful, but I’ll tell you what it does help to do, it gives my child immediate incentive to come to me. Since I know I can’t be in all places at all times with my children, this gives them the motivation to come and tell me what I don’t see or hear. If they report something small I thank them for telling me and I give them a small prize and help them discern whether it was a risk or not. If they report something concerning, I look into it right away and give them a good little prize for telling me. Predators, and even some children who have been affected by predators, are good at convincing your child to go along with what they have in mind. If the bodies natural response to sexual touch is not motivation enough for a child to stay quiet, then sometimes threats or shame are enough. The thing is, a child often doesn’t realize abuse is abuse until they are older, because it can feel good while it’s happening. In fact, most predators count on that because it can keep the child willing to keep the secret and coming back. But then shame is triggered once you realize what was really happening, and you can feel like it was your fault because it felt enjoyable. This can lead to years of emotional pain. So yes, I will do whatever I need to do to give my kids the motivation to come tell me anything that might be a danger to them. Offering an immediate incentive of a prize, which is how a child thinks, has been enough of a motivation for my young children that I already know for certain has served to protect them and the boundaries we have set. I strongly encourage you to find a motivation that would work for your kids.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where abuse is a reality. For whatever reason, some people end up with evil sexual perversions and they direct them at children, our sweetest, most innocent members of society. For this reason, I will read instructive books and articles, listen to people’s personal experiences, have planning conversations with my spouse, watch informative shows, and do my very best to stay educated so I can have a plan to help keep my kids safe. There are no guarantees, but I am confident that I am doing my best, and that’s all any of us can do. I hope this has helped you consider your own parenting plan to keep your kids safe, because they need you to.

Ephesians 5:15-17 “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is.”

How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex: Three tips for starting, having, and keeping the conversation going.

I suspect we weren’t the only family that didn’t talk about sex when we were growing up. For whatever reason it was just too taboo and uncomfortable a subject to bring up in our home so it was ignored, like it didn’t exist in the world. But it did exist, and what’s more it was being displayed and referenced all around me at school, on tv, in magazines/advertisements, and in my neighborhood. Not talking about it with a parent just redirected my questions elsewhere. When I became a parent, I knew I wanted this area to be different with my own children. I didn’t know how I was going to do this, but I took it one step at a time and learned as I went along. Just being open was the key. So, even if you didn’t grow up talking about sex in your home, there are ways you can learn to go about it. You don’t have to be afraid to “go there” because there is lots of information out there that can help you navigate these kinds of conversations, making it feel less scary or intimidating.

Like I said, most of what I first learned about sex and my changing body came from others, like my neighbors in our inner-city neighborhood, and from conversations kids were having at school. The information I learned from other people was often questionable at best and skewed with the unhealthy perceptions of those giving it. I wanted my kids to get the information from me and my husband so I would know that what they were learning was accurate, healthy, and in line with how I’m already trying to teach them to view and understand the world. I knew embarrassment, nervousness, and fear about the topic weren’t good enough reasons to stop me. So here are a few things I have learned in my 17 years of parenting that can help you start the conversation with your kids, and keep it going as long as you need to.

#1 Talk about the body and it’s parts without shame, from an early age: The first part of talking with your kids about sex actually begins much earlier than their pre-teen and teenage years. We can set the stage for those later, important conversations about sex by openly talking with our kids about their body parts when they are young. This creates a safe environment for them, in turn, to talk to us about what is happening in their little bodies and the questions that are forming in their curious and observant minds as they grow.

I began learning this with my son, whom I affectionately consider my guinea-pig-child, which simply describes that first-born child where your ideas, expectations, and ignorance about parenting intersect with the reality of parenting. I was realizing that sometimes your parenting comes from what you’ve experienced, some from what you’ve planned, and some ( or most) you just wing on the spot. Most of the time I was feeling unprepared and I realized I was going to have to be much more intentional about the kind of parent I wanted to be. I remember a situation as I was showering one day with my then two year old son. He looked up from playing with his toys and asked me where my penis was and if it had broken off! I was taken aback and didn’t know what to say, but I remembered my commitment to not shy away from these conversations. I swallowed my embarrassment and answered, “No, I don’t have one, I am a girl and I have a vagina. Girls are created differently than boys. We have different parts.” Gulp. “Oh”, he said, his curiosity satisfied. And the day went on as normal. Obviously there comes a day when you stop showering with your very young children, but his awareness and observations of the world around him had begun and would continue and I wanted to be prepared. This was just the beginning of many more conversations that my husband and I would have with our son about bodies, anatomical functions, sexual vocabulary including all terms (formal, crude, and slang) and healthy concepts of sex.

Not all these conversations came easy for me, and all my knowledge, opinions, and information didn’t pour out at once. It was gradual, and over time the discussions became more natural, and dare I say comfortable. If you don’t know how to begin, here is an example of an early conversation with a young child. These kinds of exchanges help pave the way for bigger conversations later on. This instance is a typical age and content appropriate “learning conversation” that could take place with your child: You might say while you are bathing them, “Mommy is going to wash your private area now with the wash cloth because if we don’t keep our private parts clean, they can get itchy and that feels bad. It’s important to keep our bodies clean.” The child might answer, “Why are they called private parts?” To which you can say, “Your private parts actually include your penis/vagina, your anus which is where you poop from, and your urethra which is the small hole your pee comes out of. Your mouth is a private part, as well as the breasts on a girl. We call them private because those are parts that are unique from your other body parts. They are the parts that people don’t touch without permission from mommy and daddy and eventually you when you are older. We don’t show other people those parts and they shouldn’t show us theirs, except your mouth, people can see your mouth (smiling).” Possibly interject here the caveat that mommy, daddy, the doctor, and the trusted caregiver can help with those parts when needed.

I believe it’s fine to call the parts yaya, coochie, peepee, wawa, hoohaa, whatever you want in between these conversations, but make sure your kids know the proper terms. Why are the proper terms important? Because if there is ever an occasion when a Dr. needs to talk to them about those parts, or vice versa, the correct terms are what will be used, for reasons of clarity and understanding. No proper term regarding their bodies should invoke a sense of embarrassment or shame; and your children will look to you and how you act with these words. I suggest that even if you are dying inside of awkward embarrassment during some of these initial conversations where parts are spoken of formally, do your best to “fake it till you make it” because these are the important conversations that lay the initial ground work for your kids to know they can comfortably talk with you about their bodies. I guarantee this will open the door for LOTS more little conversations they will want to have with you about their growing bodies. Their natural curiosity mixed with your confident, relaxed demeanor are the perfect ingredients to create wonderful teaching opportunities. And the best part is, they are coming to you!

#2 Don’t read too much into their questions: This is important for two reasons: First, because nothing shuts down a conversation with your teen faster than jumping to conclusions and accusations. Just hear them out, listen to their questions, and answer them as openly and calmly as possible. Again, you might be inwardly uncomfortable, but on the outside it helps to appear calm and confident. When your teen asks you questions it does not mean that they are thinking of doing these things… ok, maybe they are thinking about it (which is natural at that age), but that doesn’t mean they are doing it or are going to do it. You have to put that fear aside as well as the fear that these informational conversations are somehow arming or authorizing them to have sex. If they do, that is another conversation, and doesn’t negate the fact that educational conversations need to happen. The important thing to remember in this situation is that they are coming to you, which means you have the privilege of helping them create the framework in their developing minds for which they will process and think about these things. You can talk to them about the mechanisms of oral sex while also teaching them about respect for their bodies and for the bodies of others, as well as the emotional, spiritual, and mental effects of sexual behavior if you are so inclined to do so. Try not to be preachy and try not to go on and on for too long.

Second: If you read too deeply into a question then sometimes you can over answer, which can be exasperating for your kid/teen. Try asking a few clarifying questions like, “Why is it you are asking?” in a non-accusatory voice, or “Could you tell me a little bit more about what you would like to know?”, and even “What have you already heard about this subject/term?” These qualifying questions can be so helpful in preparing how you will form your own answer and how much you need to say. Sometimes they really just want to know if girls have pubic hair like boys do, because they’ve never seen a grown up vagina and the innocent question just popped into their head. They don’t need a three point expository lecture on the differences between puberty in boys and girls. Just a yes or no will do just fine if your clarifying questions have produced an answer from them like, ” I was just wondering”. It also might help a little to mentally practice your answers to some of the anticipated questions your kids might ask, so you are not caught off guard and are ready to give an age and developmentally appropriate answer.

Example Conversation with a pre-teen/teen [Can be tweaked and modified from kid to kid, age to age, but this is pretty much how it goes down in my house. Remember, if they don’t get an answer from you, they will most likely just ask someone else]: Kid: “Mom, what is a blow-job?” Mom: “I am happy to answer you but first could you tell me where you heard that term?” Kid: “I heard it at school. A boy said that his older brother said that this girl gave him a blow job.” Mom: “Is that all he said?” Kid: “Yes.” Mom: “A blow job is a sexual act performed on a male. When his penis is erect, it is put in someone’s mouth and sucked on until it is stimulated enough that it ejaculates.” Kid: “So it’s sucking and not blowing?” ( Yes, you can laugh out loud at this point. It’s funny and laughter can keep the conversation light) Mom: “I know right, that can be confusing. Yes, it’s sucking and not blowing. It’s a very intimate act and I believe should only be experienced by people in a loving, committed relationship. Our family believes that to be marriage. It feels great even though it might sound gross, but sex and sexually intimate acts can help keep couples feeling close together, and thankfully God gave us lots of fun options to keep having fun together when we are married. It’s also important to mention that because semen comes out during and at the end of a blow job, it’s an example of a sex act that can transfer an STD (explain if necessary). That’s why it’s important to respect your body, what you put into it and what others put into it, and vice versa. Does that answer your question?” Kid: “Yes. (long pause) People do that?” Mom, slightly smiling: “Yessiree. Lots of people do that.”

#3 Be the kind of parent you needed when you were their age: When you haven’t experienced something yourself, sometimes you only have a vague idea of what you hope to create that is different and healthier for your kids. I suppose that even if your parents did talk to you about sex, they might not have ever taken the time when you got older to tell you how they did it. You probably remember experiencing the conversations, but maybe you still don’t know how they determined what to tell you and when. What they were actually feeling inside when some of those awkward questions came; and more, how they pushed through so you could have the important information you needed, constructed within a healthy mindset and context. The point is, there are two parts to this, teaching your kids they can come to you, and when they are older (if they appreciated your technique), teach them how you did it so they can repeat it with their kids.

None of this came natural to me, except the desire to be the kind of adult I wished I could have had in my life to have these conversations. Not just for informational purposes, but for the emotional support all kids need as they try to navigate the teen years when their bodies are changing, their hormones are raging, and their sexual concepts are forming. Read books, read blogs (shameless plug!), talk to parents with older kids, and most importantly, determine within yourself that this is too important an opportunity to miss. You have the great privilege to teach and explain a part of life that will affect your children for the rest of theirs. And I think it’s important to mention, that even if your life didn’t start with healthy sexual boundaries or information, it is neither hypocritical nor hopeless to try to do things differently with your own children. Some of us teach from experience, some of us teach from ideals, and some can teach from acquired wisdom. Wherever you are starting from, just know that over time these conversation become easier, and when your kids choose to come to you for information or advice, it is so satisfying and comforting to know you have that place in their lives.

Proverbs 22:6- Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.